Reflection on Experience with trainer in training

 As I felt what it was like to have a different teacher holding the space, I wanted to take a note on what it was like for me as a participant. Perhaps it was from a sense of uncertainty as it was the first time this teacher led a session online, but one thing that I didn’t enjoy was what seemed like him interjecting himself as soon as people finished speaking to guess feelings or needs when I didn’t feel it was necessary. I think just leaving some space for silence after the participant speaks is so important to let the words fill the space and add their own flavor. An eagerness to quickly respond and “do NVC” can be off-putting as it doesn’t allow for the energy of co-creation to flow in an organic and natural way.

I did enjoy the invitation to add anything to the space that comes up. And the topic sparked something alive in all of the participants who took their turn to share something that added to the richness of connection in the group. So when I noticed the teacher not giving a pause before guessing feelings and needs, it seemed like he felt a pressure to “lead” the space, when I really enjoy when the teacher can also participate equally, if there was no strict agenda to begin with. If there were, it would be good to outline a definitive plan near the beginning of the session and give an idea on how many voices can be heard before the teaching portion begins.

As well, I noticed how there was a tendency to either guess feelings or needs or sum up what he heard for almost every person. Maybe out of a need to feel skillful in leading? I find that if he had just stayed silent, or maybe just said thank you, it still would’ve served the aliveness of what’s being brought to the group space, just by its existing. Sometimes there is nothing that needs to be added for something to be poignant or touching.

I think this was a good experience to remind myself that if I notice a pressure in me, it’s good to simply breathe first and remind myself of my intentions, which is something he said and that resonated with me. Check what my intention is so that I can contribute to that with what I do and say instead of reacting and bringing myself away from that.

Another great point he mentioned was to check who the focus was on when in an argument. If it’s on what the other person is doing, it would be easy to turn it into a fight of me vs. them. Bringing it back to my inner experience which includes what happens in my body can be a good way to reset my compass.

Exploring my Role in giving Empathy

 In one of our sessions in the advanced course, I was paired with another participant to practice awareness of moving from an observation of an outer event, to noticing the different aspects of experiencing such as judgments and criticisms, feelings (and allowing yourself to feel it), sensations/energy in the body, values/longings in relation to the incident (and also feeling it), and also if there’s any resistance to these aspects of the inner experience. Then we were asked to move from the outer stimulus to the inner experience, and back again, to notice the change in relation to one and the other, if a change appears. We were told that though the intention was to practice the exercise, we can make space and allow for whatever arises to do so organically.

The person I partnered with was really stuck in the story of her situation. Though the frustration with her brother was the constant, her mind would jump from one story to another. In my attempts to make a space to pause and allow her to connect with her inner experience, her mind would immediately bring her to another story. Her speaking speed was also quite fast, so it also was a bit unbalancing for me as I tried to keep up with her, making guesses when appropriate.

I noticed that frustration and pressure arose in me when I had the agenda to either follow the exercise or lead her to connect more with her inner experience. Then I would feel a bit guilty and remember that the aim was not to lead her anywhere specific but to simply be with what unfolds in the moment while also staying as present as possible in myself.

Later when connecting with the part of me that was stimulated by a feeling of pressure to support her well, to show my skillfulness in empathy, and wanting to do my best as it’s important to me to do this as a meaningful career. I realized this part of me was a part that believed that if I am not skillful then I am “not good enough.” And this likely stems from a childhood growing up without any outside support or empathy, so I needed to be so skillful that I could survive on my own without it.

This also combined with my strong desire to experience more depth in connection with others. It’s nourishing to me when both people can be fully present with themselves and the other person, to connect with their inner experience and communicate what’s alive in them, creating a shared space of belonging. When the other person seems to go at the speed of their own thoughts and stories, it feels like there isn’t enough space for me to also exist there. Thus, my needs for belonging and connection aren’t met.

I asked Nadine for some feedback on if she ever feels torn between bringing her own unique expression of NVC and the pressure to support/contribute to others, and how she deals with that. Here are some things she said that really helped me clarify for myself what NVC is and what its purpose is:

I might have an agenda when doing a practice of moving them from a place of contraction to a place of connection and expansion. Any time I catch myself with that, I feel it in my body. I might notice in my mind that I’m calculating or feeling exhausted from trying to accomplish something, I can breathe or pause and remember that the person in front of me has everything they need and their own wisdom. It’s not my job to solve anything for them. I can repeat to myself a mantra, for example, “I’m not responsible” or “My presence is enough.”

In my silence the other person might have an insight or turn a corner in some way, and we are just creating the conditions for their inner wisdom to come forth. We are amplifying presence, pausing and feeling together. I’m not doing it for them, but just supporting it to happen.

I need to trust the unfolding of what’s happening. With some people I might lose trust by thinking “they’re too much this/that.” I can work with that in a life-serving way if I can stay connected with that and just relax around amplifying presence and bringing some pointers, and being relaxed about the outcome. When I get attached to the outcome, it means I need empathy.

All I can ever be is my own unique expression of how the consciousness of NVC wants to express itself through me in the moment. I cannot be different. I need to trust that some people will click with it, some not, and I can’t adopt 1,000 faces or techniques because it’s neither of those, but a way of being. In the end, people won’t remember what you did or said, but how you they felt in your presence.

I found the trust issue come up again when receiving empathy from a friend about another friend that I’ve been giving empathy to. I get frustrated that she stays in a relationship that she’s very unhappy in. There were to points that the friend who was giving me empathy created the conditions for me to discover. One was that my frustration comes from a lack of trust - I don’t trust that my friend would choose what’s good for her because of her history and lack of resources or skills that can help her navigate the situation. The other part comes from wanting her to receive the love she deserves and not wanting her to feel pain.

I still have something to work on when it comes to trust. I trust that no matter what happens, I will be OK. But I haven’t extended this yet to other people, including my friend. I need to work on trusting this, and also that she already has the answer she needs, but is not ready to accept it yet, and will probably do so in her own time.

The second one is wanting her not to feel pain. But I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite poems. “ Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Pain has a purpose. It motivates us toward change. Life is not static,it is always changing. And so even the energy of pain in the body is an expression of life force energy. What stops it from moving through us and completing the process is our own relationship to it and contraction around it. I can also trust that pain isn’t forever, and eventually the pendulum will swing to the other side. So in my own explorations, I can extend my acceptance and allowing of even the painful things to extend to other people to whom I give empathy.

Finally, going in with “fixer” energy is a subtle declaration of my lack in trust of them. It gives the signal that I don’t believe they know how to solve their own problems or that there is no room or space to simply express and vent. The receiver may believe they’re being judged, which makes them close themselves instead of connect and have their needs be met in some way through empathy. Giving space for whatever arises in them without immediately giving suggestions on what to do can be a huge relief in itself.

Summary:

• Needing to feel skillful and having an agenda can get in the way of someone meeting their own wisdom. I simply create the conditions for both of us to amplify presence.
• I need to lean into trusting they will be OK without my doing anything but being my unique self.
• Pain has a useful purpose and it’s OK for them to experience it.
• If I am attached to an outcome, I need empathy.
• “I am not responsible.”
• "My presence is enough."

Connecting to the Beauty of the Need as a way to Unblend

 Observation: Earlier that night I asked my husband for support in getting the kids to complete their chores.  I had already asked the kids many times to help out and they did not. I ended up telling them myself. I told my husband after that he should’ve back me up so I could feel his presence and support in the family.He told me that’s it for tonight, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

Thoughts/judgments: I’m alone. I’m not allowed to ask for help. I have to do everything by myself. My feelings, needs and experience aren’t important. My family doesn’t care about or for me, they only care about themselves.

Feelings: loneliness, hurt, resentful, distressed, overwhelmed, depleted, insecure, dejected

Needs: support, care, understanding, validation, acknowledgment, space, compassion, consideration, partnership, acceptance, presence, partnership, companionship, safety

Sensations: pain and tightness in the chest, radiating throughout the entire body, a hardness surrounding the heart

I noticed that the part of me that got activated was an exile that held pain from my childhood of not being heard, acknowledged or validated. The same feelings from childhood were brought up. It wasn’t that I thought I was being abandoned, but I had never been first accompanied to be then abandoned. The same belief that I can’t ask for help and I have to deal with my pain alone came up.

The next morning he asked me if I’m OK today. It brought tears already that I was asked, which means he does care. I could treat this as an experience that proves the belief “no one cares” is no longer true. Though there was a lot of pain and tears, I had enough presence of mind to ask myself in the moment internally, “What is it that I care about?”, as I learned that feeling pain and sadness are signposts that let me know what’s important to me. Because of this, I connected to my primary needs for care and acknowledgment, and could shift my p.o.v. from believing I don’t have it, to becoming willing to receive it when it’s offered to me.

This small step created enough space for me to allow the tears to flow and for this exiled part to fully express its pain (unburdening), without being fully blended and engulfed by it. I could stay present in my expression, and could ask for a hug and support when I needed it. This is a huge change from the past when I would’ve been too afraid to hope for it to avoid the pain of my reaching out to be met with rejection or punishment. It helped to reinforce my sense of safety and allowing myself to have needs and express them, while trusting that they will be met. 

Insights into Self-Empathy Process

Observation: I was sharing gratitude to my husband about his allowing me to use his computer when mine was having issues. I also wanted to explain to him how it was convenient because I planned to type out my NVC journal, but as I was giving him the explanation he looked into the kitchen, was distracted by the oven being on, went to turn it off then started getting ready for work. I waited a few minutes to see if he would ask me to finish what I was saying, but when he didn’t, I was upset.

Remembering the exercise of logging moments of unpleasantness suggested by Nadine, I checked in with my body to see how this was registering in my body. There was pain/acheyness in the chest, and something like a closing or hardness. As for feelings, there was anger and sadness.

He had to leave soon after and my stepson noticed I didn’t seem OK, so he asked what’s up, and I noticed that the pain and sadness came to the forefront while the anger took a seat. That’s it. To be seen and given space for me to Be. There was a judgment, “At least someone cares.” But also I tapped into the reason behind the pain: there is something important to me, which is to share space with the Other, to be received and give in return. Wanting to be important. To feel a yes from Life…

As I continue to learn more, I am also given opportunities to have a bird’s eye view of the stories rather than be trapped in them. And the remaining constant is that there is a relationship I want to have with Life and its flow, as it expresses and manifests itself in my interactions with the outside world. I want what I put out to be answered, to be received and given back, and in this way, amplified. There is an aliveness that comes when those needs are met, that life force energy that is in flow without being blocked by judgment, or having an agenda in interactions with others.

The stimulation this time was this disappointment in not being met. I am reminded of how my coach Eva said that life energy can feel both good and bad, and the trick is to welcome and accept every iteration. When I shield myself from one type, and only welcome another, in the end everything is dulled. So as I increase my wideness as a container of this life force, I also increase my ability to savor the flavors in which it comes, even when it’s painful. Only then can I access the full range of expression and reception, which I think is an unspoken aim of NVC itself.