Connecting to the Beauty of the Need as a way to Unblend

 Observation: Earlier that night I asked my husband for support in getting the kids to complete their chores.  I had already asked the kids many times to help out and they did not. I ended up telling them myself. I told my husband after that he should’ve back me up so I could feel his presence and support in the family.He told me that’s it for tonight, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

Thoughts/judgments: I’m alone. I’m not allowed to ask for help. I have to do everything by myself. My feelings, needs and experience aren’t important. My family doesn’t care about or for me, they only care about themselves.

Feelings: loneliness, hurt, resentful, distressed, overwhelmed, depleted, insecure, dejected

Needs: support, care, understanding, validation, acknowledgment, space, compassion, consideration, partnership, acceptance, presence, partnership, companionship, safety

Sensations: pain and tightness in the chest, radiating throughout the entire body, a hardness surrounding the heart

I noticed that the part of me that got activated was an exile that held pain from my childhood of not being heard, acknowledged or validated. The same feelings from childhood were brought up. It wasn’t that I thought I was being abandoned, but I had never been first accompanied to be then abandoned. The same belief that I can’t ask for help and I have to deal with my pain alone came up.

The next morning he asked me if I’m OK today. It brought tears already that I was asked, which means he does care. I could treat this as an experience that proves the belief “no one cares” is no longer true. Though there was a lot of pain and tears, I had enough presence of mind to ask myself in the moment internally, “What is it that I care about?”, as I learned that feeling pain and sadness are signposts that let me know what’s important to me. Because of this, I connected to my primary needs for care and acknowledgment, and could shift my p.o.v. from believing I don’t have it, to becoming willing to receive it when it’s offered to me.

This small step created enough space for me to allow the tears to flow and for this exiled part to fully express its pain (unburdening), without being fully blended and engulfed by it. I could stay present in my expression, and could ask for a hug and support when I needed it. This is a huge change from the past when I would’ve been too afraid to hope for it to avoid the pain of my reaching out to be met with rejection or punishment. It helped to reinforce my sense of safety and allowing myself to have needs and express them, while trusting that they will be met.