Notes on workshop with Ceridwen Buckmaster: Strengthening the Capacity to Stop Harm-For Those receiving and those Witnessing

I enjoyed:

• Question in beginning: what comes up for you in hearing this topic?
• pausing after giving chunks of information for people to absorb the info and also make space for comments or questions, or just to take a few breaths and silence between teachings.
• Welcoming critique and requests.
• Invited some points for participants to post what comes up for them in the chat or share by voice.
• Gave personal examples of theory.
• 30 min. at the end for sharing of breakout room findings and closing.
• Final question: what are you taking away? Ideas, experiences, etc.

 

Things I would like to do in my own sessions:

• slowing down or using changing voice tone to stress important points, or change facial expressions to keep interest.
• Repeat same things with different words to keep in mind limitations on language for non-native participants.
• Would like to include more questions to invite self-reflection in relation to info shared.
• More colors / design in PPT for visual interest.
• Could be nice to ask how it is for you now when thinking of this topic, to map inner relationship to it.

 

Interesting points:

2 hands of nonviolence. Say no to the action. Say yes to the person. -Barbara Deming

- This is very humanizing, while the trend of “cancel culture” is very dehumanizing. It’s easy to hate others when we have an enemy image of them. Separating a person from their actions can help to create enough distance to see intentions, and what needs they are trying to meet in a tragic way.

 

Protective use of force is really about living interdependently. “The field of human interdependence requires metabolizing impacts together in order to sustain life and grow capacity” - Miki Kashtan

 

Presence is transformational. (more than the words you say) Accompaniment reduces trauma.

 

Individually there’s little we can do, but as a group or collective we can agree on shared values and needs to most effectively bring change. This speaks to my desire to bring NVC as skill to relate in a way that’s very different from what we’re used to, to bring us toward a society based in everyone getting what they need.

 

Empathic presence can be key to helping hurt not become harm.

 

Tools available to us in moments of violence:

• Observe in a very general way what is happening with a simple statement. e.g.:
•  “As I hear this conversation”
• “As I witness this incident”
• “When I see you do that”

 

(This helps you find your voice and ease into your message at a moment when you might be scared, overwhelmed or confused)”

•  Name how this is impacting you with a simple expression of your feeling state. (doing this will help with self-connection)
• Name Needs/intention when intervening (the direction you want to be going in, or the qualities you would like to see at play.)
• Make a clear and strong suggestion or invitation.
• If the situation doesn’t stop and instead escalates,either towards someone else or towards you, or you don’t feel safe, then withdraw transparently naming what you are doing,
• “I can see what I want isn’t happening, I’m stepping back now"
• It can be helpful to stay in the indisputable territory of feelings and needs.

 

When jumping in between 2 people conflicting, I act as the prefrontal cortex for their amygdalas. They are in fight or flight, so I can be the calming voice of reason if necessary.

 

Most interventions are going to be painful or frustrating or even worse. It can leave an impact on us. So we need a ton of self-empathy afterwards.

 

It’s intuitive to know when to do something even if you have some fear. You can feel rooted in your feet and confident, but depending on the context decide the lack of safety outweighs the ability to intervene.

 

Roleplay can give insights, and rewire your way of thinking or experiencing a situation. Can also allow embodying of a practice and giving experience to build confidence. 

Reflection on Experience with trainer in training

 As I felt what it was like to have a different teacher holding the space, I wanted to take a note on what it was like for me as a participant. Perhaps it was from a sense of uncertainty as it was the first time this teacher led a session online, but one thing that I didn’t enjoy was what seemed like him interjecting himself as soon as people finished speaking to guess feelings or needs when I didn’t feel it was necessary. I think just leaving some space for silence after the participant speaks is so important to let the words fill the space and add their own flavor. An eagerness to quickly respond and “do NVC” can be off-putting as it doesn’t allow for the energy of co-creation to flow in an organic and natural way.

I did enjoy the invitation to add anything to the space that comes up. And the topic sparked something alive in all of the participants who took their turn to share something that added to the richness of connection in the group. So when I noticed the teacher not giving a pause before guessing feelings and needs, it seemed like he felt a pressure to “lead” the space, when I really enjoy when the teacher can also participate equally, if there was no strict agenda to begin with. If there were, it would be good to outline a definitive plan near the beginning of the session and give an idea on how many voices can be heard before the teaching portion begins.

As well, I noticed how there was a tendency to either guess feelings or needs or sum up what he heard for almost every person. Maybe out of a need to feel skillful in leading? I find that if he had just stayed silent, or maybe just said thank you, it still would’ve served the aliveness of what’s being brought to the group space, just by its existing. Sometimes there is nothing that needs to be added for something to be poignant or touching.

I think this was a good experience to remind myself that if I notice a pressure in me, it’s good to simply breathe first and remind myself of my intentions, which is something he said and that resonated with me. Check what my intention is so that I can contribute to that with what I do and say instead of reacting and bringing myself away from that.

Another great point he mentioned was to check who the focus was on when in an argument. If it’s on what the other person is doing, it would be easy to turn it into a fight of me vs. them. Bringing it back to my inner experience which includes what happens in my body can be a good way to reset my compass.