Erasure of Self, Protections, and the living energy of needs

In a prior post, I explored my thoughts on safety and how I can maintain it when the instructions by Marshall Rosenberg to give almost all of my attention to the experience of the other person in an empathy session led to me interpreting it as a demand when I wasn't always resourced enough to be with anyone else's experience but my own. 

Since then, I've done more research into what it feels like to not be able to (or not even be allowed to) hold my own experience while in relation to someone else. In that last post, I described it as a kind of "erasure of self." I'm going to describe something that happened at a women's retreat during a meditation session that might give a bit more insight into what that means for me, and what that experience feels like. 

Erasure of self

We were doing a meditation in which we were asked to feel the energetic boundaries of a shield or shell that we have around our body, that protects us from the outside world. We were asked to try opening a small hole, as part of what we were learning was how to receive from life, both the pleasant and unpleasant, as being defended cuts us off from being able to receive life fully. We had also been doing some other practices for nervous system regulation and being with strong emotions, so this wasn't done haphazardly, but I was surprised at my own reaction. 

I immediately went into terror, and touched into a young child part that was so scared to be open and unprotected. Her fear was that she "wouldn't exist," because she experienced a form of transparency, as if she became invisible when faced with intense stimulation or feelings from the "outside world." Rather than being able to experience expression of something that comes from within, it was drowned out by all the stimulation and experience of the outside. And her experience was that of my emotionally disregulated mother who also sought coregulation by forcing other people to mirror her intense emotions, and shaming or blaming any other expression that didn't mirror her own. 

I was shaking and in tears as I told my teacher that I was afraid I "wouldn't exist." And she gently said, "And yet, here you are." And I remember laughing in a surprised way, realizing that my definition of "exist" would have to shift to include being open, and yet still being there. That maybe existing didn't mean either being totally closed or totally open, but some in-between state where I am at choice to move between the two as necessary. 

As a child, we learn how to take up space, to differentiate our experience of being and self. This is our sole purpose in those early, formative years, when we realize we are not mother, but separate beings. But in my case, any form of self-expression (i.e. self-exploration) that wasn't liked was not tolerated, and even punished. Thus, there was a need to build a strong shield or boundary, a density between myself and the outside world, in order to be able to feel myself in relation to the other, and protect myself from being overwhelmed by the intensity of stimulation that didn't spring from myself or my own essence. I believe that's how a protector part was born, whose strategy is to come out of myself and form a thick barrier instantly, at any time that it felt I would be overwhelmed and lose myself.

The Protective Shield

My first experience of becoming aware of it was in a Reiki course. At one point between practices, the teacher was explaining how energetic reactions are often automatic. In the middle of explaining this, she lunged toward me by one step and explained, "...and Christina most likely has put up a shield in response to what she interprets as my attacking her." Lo and behold, she was right. It was totally instant, a dense wall that came up about a foot and a half in front of me, paired with a twinge in my solar plexus that I associate with fear and anger. It was no bigger than a spark, but it was there, and I got acquainted with it and also the density that was put between she and I. 

A few days ago, I noticed it again. I was talking to my husband about something that brought up a lot of pain in me, and he was a part of it. He came to give me a hug as I cried. I noticed that as he held me I felt so much sadness and there was a belief in me, something like, "I'm alone in this, nobody cares about me, I'm the only one here experiencing this." Then there was a disconnect because a part of me realized, your husband is hugging you and being with you in your pain, so he does care. And then I was able to respond to the hug by hugging back. Then the pain became greater as I plunged deeper into it, and it was if that density came between me and him again. I put my hand back down, disconnecting again. I could physically feel the hug, but I couldn't receive the full impact - the loving intention and warmth of the hug. 

My ability to receive diminished the more I believed the painful story. The more I believed it, the more tenacious the shield between he and I grew. In the end it was a self-fulfilled prophecy of isolation. Though there was someone right next to me, it was too difficult to feel and receive their care. While I was not physically alone, my experience was of loneliness.

This difficulty with connecting with others is amplified especially in situations when I would like to practice NVC and be with others in times of conflict, but I am so deep in beliefs or judgments that self-empathy is the only viable solution. Or, I would need to meet with this part and fully listen to it, building a new relationship with it each day so that it can hand over the job it's been doing for me. But is having choice always possible?

(after 4 months in drafts...)

On one hand, a part of me believes that if I want to connect with someone else, I must forego my own needs. This is on the surface level. On a deeper level, it feels like there's not enough space for me to inhabit my own body when being with the other.  

That's why my conclusion to be fully grounded in the living energy of needs in myself was important. When doing this Robert Gonzales meditation, I felt more connected to my essence, my true self, and could feel the energy of touching into the beauty of the need I have. It requires inner stillness to do this, but it's difficult, if not impossible, to drop into stillness because that requires an openness, and when in contraction and defense then it's not possible to go there.

Working on my capacity to be with this will directly affect my capacity and quality of capacity to be the space for others to unfold in their own process.

 

Automatic cringe

 I had an experience this morning that actually has happened to me various times in the past. Generally I would remember something in the past that makes me cringe, and my instant reaction is either to make a noise or even say something like "Nope, never again, ugh, stupid!" It's almost as if I would violently push against feeling whatever it was that comes along with a random memory. 

Today, instead of leaving it at the pushing away part, I decided to bring presence to myself to fully find out what about this memory actually made me react this way. So I took a breath, put my hand on my heart, and tried to connect to the sensation of the emotion in my body. However, this was fleeting, and I couldn't get as much information this way. It's probably because I was so used to instantly reacting with a shutting down or repressing of the feeling that it had already settled back down under the layers. 

So instead I began to think about the memory itself. It was when I was a teenager and there was a boy who was pursuing me because he liked me. I had flashes of moments when he would pressure me to say yes when I had already said I'm not interested. Often this would take place in front of a group of people, and I felt like I was being put on display against my will. I asked myself, "What is it about these incidents that makes you feel uncomfortable?" And the easiest way to access it is to begin thinking in jackal, and making judgments about how stupid he was, how unfair that I had to keep saying no and it wasn't accepted. That I was put in situations that were uncomfortable and embarassing, for other people to watch and comment on or laugh about. 

When I continued to celebrate the jackal, I started to see what was important for me. I wanted to be respected, to be listened to when I said no. I didn't want to be forced to say no again and again. I didn't want to be put in embarassing situations where my autonomy wasn't respected. Yes, I wanted autonomy, free from manipulation or coercion. I wanted to make my choices and for my own inner wisdom to be respected, rather than someone thinking they know better than me what I want and just need to wear me down until I change my answer. 

When I said the last two sentences, I felt a relaxation in my chest and could sigh in relief. My body didn't need to clamp down on that vague discomfort. I felt validated in my experience of this situation. It felt good to see what it was that made it uncomfortable, and connect with what was really important to me. I could only do that if I was fully present with myself; not only with what was happening in my body, but using my jackal language as the doorway to find out what was important to me. And although it happened a long time ago, this need is still very much alive in me: a need to be at choice, for acknowledgment and respect for my inner wisdom. And also, time to digest and connect with what I want, before being pressured to give an answer that the other person wants to hear. 

Navigating conflict while in pain

 Last night I had a conflict with my husband. I was watching a TV drama that had a very sad part to it, and I started to tear up. My husband came from the kitchen, came over to me as I wiped my tears, and peered close to my face. Then he began to laugh a lot. I got angry and cursed at him to leave me alone, which made him laugh even more. He said something like, "I love you because you are sensitive, and also so stupid" and made as if to hug me, but I pushed him away and again told him to leave me alone. I finished the show, then told him it was fucked up that he saw me having a private and vulnerable moment and chose that time to laugh at me and call me sensitive and stupid. He apologized profusely and said he was just joking, but I was too hurt and angry to listen and left for the bedroom.

I decided to practice giving myself some self empathy because I did not have the capacity or feel safe to ask to coregulate with him at that time. I first celebrated my jackals by voicing in my head what was really upsetting me: "What the hell is wrong with him? What kind of person laughs at someone else for having emotions?" There was still a small part of me that knew that there is probably something missing to the story, and that usually I can rely on him to be accepting and safe, and it's just a matter of discussing what was going on so we can understand each other better. However the part of me that was hurt had a belief that he was no longer safe, and doubted the entire foundation of the relationship over one mistake.

 From listening to a workshop with Arnina Kashtan, I knew that at the basis of every judgment was a need. So I knew it was important to fully allow and voice the judgments (celebrate the jackal) before I could get to the next step of the process. I'd recently received an e-mail from Sarah Peyton about healing trauma with self resonance, and decided to use the technique of saying my own name to myself when making guesses on feelings and needs. 

I began by saying, "Christina, I know it really hurts. It hurts a lot. It's so painful to be laughed at, to be told you are sensitive and stupid." When I put words to it, the feeling increased and there were more tears. But when I tried to continue to talk to myself, to say it makes sense how I feel, that I want to have respect, etc., I noticed that I started to feel distance from my feelings and body. I realized that the more words I used, the more I went into my head, and the further away I went from directly experiecing the feelings and sensations in my body. So instead, I stuck with just repeating what felt true for me: that it was so hurtful to hear those things, it was painful to receive laughter. I found the more I simply said what felt true, the more I felt validated in my feelings in the sense that there was space for my experience of reality, that I was allowed and affirmed in my experience. And this actually brought a feeling of safety and relaxation in expression, in the form of sadness and tears. When this is allowed, then it's easier for the emotion to express and come to completion. In the past, I might've tried to rationalize and make plans on discussions before I tended to what was alive in me. Now I recognize it as a form of emotional bypassing. 

This was a very valuable experience. It affirms how the less you "do" when giving empathy, the more space there is to be fully present. It's not about what I rationalize or affirm or validate verbally, but a quality of being with. Simply being a witness, and creating a co-relational space for someone to authentically express is enough. It is far more effective not to think of what to say, but to find the words that someone has said that felt the most alive in them, and then offer them back, like a mirror. 

Once I was fully able to express these things, I could start to access the needs underneath: I wanted to fully be myself. I wanted to not be laughed at or ridiculed - and when removing other people from the equation, I wanted to feel safe in fully being myself and expressing myself. And I knew that I cannot rely on other people to make it safe for me all of the time, because people are imperfect. So the only way to feel safe is to create that acceptance and safety in myself. So I held myself in a tight hug, and I told myself, "Christina, I love you no matter how you are." I would pause to let that land fully in my body before saying it again. I made the intention to not only hear words, but feel the energetic intention behind them, and be both the giver and receiver of this intention, fully being present with myself, and connected to myself both emotionally and physically by touch. 

The next day I asked for an explanation from him, and he regretted using the word "stupid" as it sounds harsher, and maybe silly would've been better. He did not understand that I really hate when people examine my face and interrogate me about crying when I'm just trying to enjoy my show in peace without feeling like I have to guard my feelings or put on a show for other people. And he explained that at first he laughed because of my angry reaction to his innocuous question, but then started to laugh even more because he felt pain in his chest and could barely talk, so he was actually laughing at the situation and not at me or my feelings. He did not come to soothe me or calm me down because when he's upset he prefers to be left alone. So this confirms that when something happens that seems to have no explanation, there usually is one that I just don't have access to yet. There is no need for a finality or for one argument to change the meaning of a relationship. Misunderstandings happen when we let our judgments be the closing argument instead of the opening one. 

The difference between empathy and compassion

 I was watching a video made by Nadine about the difference between empathy and compassion.

 

In Buddhist understanding, compassion is knowing we all suffer, and this bringing energy to actively trying to reduce or even eliminate the suffering of others. Inherent assumption other need to be helped.

 

Empathy in scientific research is the experience of neurons lighting up as a listener, being the same ones that light up in the other person, whether it’s pain or joy. I.e. feeling the feelings of the other person.

 

In NVC, empathy is simply being with, in the present moment with, and connecting with the life of the other person while focusing on feelings and needs, without an agenda to fix them or solve their issue. I enjoy and trust their own intelligence when I listen, when I share presence with them, to have things become clear and fall into place with them.

 

Her colleague Eva says: “Empathy is an intentional quality of attention which brings about a sense of compassion” I.e. our intention to connect with life. Then in NVC, sympathy is feeling the same as the other person.

What comes up for me is my experience with attention itself. Attention has an energy to it. When doing a meditation to turn the energy of my attention from going outward to myself, I can really feel the difference, as if a spotlight of energy was lighting up my entire body. It feels nourishing, almost replenishing. I find that a large portion of my day is spent with the energy of my attention leaving me to go to something or someone else, be it someone/thing in front of me, or even in thoughts about the future or the past. In those moments I don’t feel grounded in my body, and notice it’s more difficult to feel myself and fully inhabit my body - as if whatever my attention rests on is taking up all of my reality without any space for me to feel my own existence. My mind siphons my attention somewhere else, and this leaves me feeling depleted after a while.

 

This is why when I first started to learn NVC and read Marshall say that “Empathy requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message,” (from “Nonviolent Communication : A Language of Life”) initially I thought it made sense, but there was an underlying trepidation that got more pronounced the more I learned. The question was, “What about me and my experience? Where am I in this? And what if I’m also in pain?” And the only answer I’ve received after almost a year of different courses was that perhaps in that moment I need empathy too and should find it somewhere else, rather than with the person in front of me who also needs empathy and is not at capacity to give empathy. And I am adding for myself, that they are not at capacity to fully witness me as a separate entity with her own needs, feelings, and experience. This is not a very satisfying answer for me because it’s so important to me that the way I choose to interact with the world also leaves space for myself to be.

 

I think this need comes from a child part of me that experienced enmeshment trauma with a mentally ill mother. I was not allowed to have my own beliefs or feelings about things, and if I did, then I would be punished or ostracized. I was the black sheep because of my need to express and fully feel myself. I think this is a normal thing for children growing up, so they can fully develop themselves and learn about who they are becoming. But if this process is blocked or associated with pain, then it can be difficult as an adult to assert oneself. Then comes the dilemma of having to choose between being my authentic self, or belonging. So when I seek NVC as a possible solution to find belonging with others, and I see a preference put on giving my attention and presence to someone else in order for the need to be met, then the other need for authenticity and presence with myself dies.

 

A more concrete example of how I experience presence: when I’m speaking to someone who is distracted and thinking of something else, I feel they are “not present.” Though their physical body is there, I don’t feel them there. Maybe their eyes are not on me and instead staring in the distance, or looking at their phone. And then there is a sense of disconnection and loneliness. Marshall said, “The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy.”

 

There is a conundrum here - I feel connection and belonging when I share my presence, but have not figured out how to share this presence equally with myself and the other. I imagine in some situations the presence can move to one side more than the other depending on what’s needed. And I fear the times when I feel that I must leave my own presence in favor of the other, as if I’m being coerced (either directly by the other or by an expectation or pressure I place on myself). Like I have to give something up or give something away in order to receive.

 

“People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” I saw this quote on Facebook, and I also turned it around for myself. “I can only meet others as deeply as I’ve met myself.” And I wonder if the root of the issue here is thinking that I need to receive this attention from outside, or belonging from outside. Is it even possible to give it to myself? I have gotten beautiful glimpses of what happens when I shed all agenda to be what I am not, to simply exist, and give myself that attention. But I can’t stay in this state for long, and if it’s possible then I haven’t practiced enough. Inevitably life happens, I must respond, and I begin to inhabit the inner characters again. On that point, I know that the idea is not to get rid of them entirely, but to have choice on how I want to interact or inhabit each one, rather than being driven reactively by them.

 

But I am still left with the question, how do I take up space for myself and also have space for the other? It seems the answer would be first to expand the capacity to feel safe in my own body, and develop skills that allow me to feel rooted, resilient and resourced enough that I’m able to offer my presence to others without becoming engulfed myself. Building the capacity includes the work I’ve already done to feel into my body, feel into emotions somatically as they come up without resisting them, and being the space in which all of these feelings express themselves. 

Exploring my Role in giving Empathy

 In one of our sessions in the advanced course, I was paired with another participant to practice awareness of moving from an observation of an outer event, to noticing the different aspects of experiencing such as judgments and criticisms, feelings (and allowing yourself to feel it), sensations/energy in the body, values/longings in relation to the incident (and also feeling it), and also if there’s any resistance to these aspects of the inner experience. Then we were asked to move from the outer stimulus to the inner experience, and back again, to notice the change in relation to one and the other, if a change appears. We were told that though the intention was to practice the exercise, we can make space and allow for whatever arises to do so organically.

The person I partnered with was really stuck in the story of her situation. Though the frustration with her brother was the constant, her mind would jump from one story to another. In my attempts to make a space to pause and allow her to connect with her inner experience, her mind would immediately bring her to another story. Her speaking speed was also quite fast, so it also was a bit unbalancing for me as I tried to keep up with her, making guesses when appropriate.

I noticed that frustration and pressure arose in me when I had the agenda to either follow the exercise or lead her to connect more with her inner experience. Then I would feel a bit guilty and remember that the aim was not to lead her anywhere specific but to simply be with what unfolds in the moment while also staying as present as possible in myself.

Later when connecting with the part of me that was stimulated by a feeling of pressure to support her well, to show my skillfulness in empathy, and wanting to do my best as it’s important to me to do this as a meaningful career. I realized this part of me was a part that believed that if I am not skillful then I am “not good enough.” And this likely stems from a childhood growing up without any outside support or empathy, so I needed to be so skillful that I could survive on my own without it.

This also combined with my strong desire to experience more depth in connection with others. It’s nourishing to me when both people can be fully present with themselves and the other person, to connect with their inner experience and communicate what’s alive in them, creating a shared space of belonging. When the other person seems to go at the speed of their own thoughts and stories, it feels like there isn’t enough space for me to also exist there. Thus, my needs for belonging and connection aren’t met.

I asked Nadine for some feedback on if she ever feels torn between bringing her own unique expression of NVC and the pressure to support/contribute to others, and how she deals with that. Here are some things she said that really helped me clarify for myself what NVC is and what its purpose is:

I might have an agenda when doing a practice of moving them from a place of contraction to a place of connection and expansion. Any time I catch myself with that, I feel it in my body. I might notice in my mind that I’m calculating or feeling exhausted from trying to accomplish something, I can breathe or pause and remember that the person in front of me has everything they need and their own wisdom. It’s not my job to solve anything for them. I can repeat to myself a mantra, for example, “I’m not responsible” or “My presence is enough.”

In my silence the other person might have an insight or turn a corner in some way, and we are just creating the conditions for their inner wisdom to come forth. We are amplifying presence, pausing and feeling together. I’m not doing it for them, but just supporting it to happen.

I need to trust the unfolding of what’s happening. With some people I might lose trust by thinking “they’re too much this/that.” I can work with that in a life-serving way if I can stay connected with that and just relax around amplifying presence and bringing some pointers, and being relaxed about the outcome. When I get attached to the outcome, it means I need empathy.

All I can ever be is my own unique expression of how the consciousness of NVC wants to express itself through me in the moment. I cannot be different. I need to trust that some people will click with it, some not, and I can’t adopt 1,000 faces or techniques because it’s neither of those, but a way of being. In the end, people won’t remember what you did or said, but how they felt in your presence.

I found the trust issue come up again when receiving empathy from a friend about another friend that I’ve been giving empathy to. I get frustrated that she stays in a relationship that she’s very unhappy in. There were two points that the friend who was giving me empathy created the conditions for me to discover. One was that my frustration comes from a lack of trust - I don’t trust that my friend would choose what’s good for her because of her history and lack of resources or skills that can help her navigate the situation. The other part comes from wanting her to receive the love she deserves and not wanting her to feel pain.

I still have something to work on when it comes to trust. I trust that no matter what happens, I will be OK. But I haven’t extended this yet to other people, including my friend. I need to work on trusting this, and also that she already has the answer she needs, but is not ready to accept it yet, and will probably do so in her own time.

The second one is wanting her not to feel pain. But I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite poems. “ Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Pain has a purpose. It motivates us toward change. Life is not static,it is always changing. And so even the energy of pain in the body is an expression of life force energy. What stops it from moving through us and completing the process is our own relationship to it and contraction around it. I can also trust that pain isn’t forever, and eventually the pendulum will swing to the other side. So in my own explorations, I can extend my acceptance and allowing of even the painful things to extend to other people to whom I give empathy.

Finally, going in with “fixer” energy is a subtle declaration of my lack in trust of them. It gives the signal that I don’t believe they know how to solve their own problems or that there is no room or space to simply express and vent. The receiver may believe they’re being judged, which makes them close themselves instead of connect and have their needs be met in some way through empathy. Giving space for whatever arises in them without immediately giving suggestions on what to do can be a huge relief in itself.

Summary:

• Needing to feel skillful and having an agenda can get in the way of someone meeting their own wisdom. I simply create the conditions for both of us to amplify presence.
• I need to lean into trusting they will be OK without my doing anything but being my unique self.
• Pain has a useful purpose and it’s OK for them to experience it.
• If I am attached to an outcome, I need empathy.
• “I am not responsible.”
• "My presence is enough."