Notes on workshop with Ceridwen Buckmaster: Strengthening the Capacity to Stop Harm-For Those receiving and those Witnessing

I enjoyed:

• Question in beginning: what comes up for you in hearing this topic?
• pausing after giving chunks of information for people to absorb the info and also make space for comments or questions, or just to take a few breaths and silence between teachings.
• Welcoming critique and requests.
• Invited some points for participants to post what comes up for them in the chat or share by voice.
• Gave personal examples of theory.
• 30 min. at the end for sharing of breakout room findings and closing.
• Final question: what are you taking away? Ideas, experiences, etc.

 

Things I would like to do in my own sessions:

• slowing down or using changing voice tone to stress important points, or change facial expressions to keep interest.
• Repeat same things with different words to keep in mind limitations on language for non-native participants.
• Would like to include more questions to invite self-reflection in relation to info shared.
• More colors / design in PPT for visual interest.
• Could be nice to ask how it is for you now when thinking of this topic, to map inner relationship to it.

 

Interesting points:

2 hands of nonviolence. Say no to the action. Say yes to the person. -Barbara Deming

- This is very humanizing, while the trend of “cancel culture” is very dehumanizing. It’s easy to hate others when we have an enemy image of them. Separating a person from their actions can help to create enough distance to see intentions, and what needs they are trying to meet in a tragic way.

 

Protective use of force is really about living interdependently. “The field of human interdependence requires metabolizing impacts together in order to sustain life and grow capacity” - Miki Kashtan

 

Presence is transformational. (more than the words you say) Accompaniment reduces trauma.

 

Individually there’s little we can do, but as a group or collective we can agree on shared values and needs to most effectively bring change. This speaks to my desire to bring NVC as skill to relate in a way that’s very different from what we’re used to, to bring us toward a society based in everyone getting what they need.

 

Empathic presence can be key to helping hurt not become harm.

 

Tools available to us in moments of violence:

• Observe in a very general way what is happening with a simple statement. e.g.:
•  “As I hear this conversation”
• “As I witness this incident”
• “When I see you do that”

 

(This helps you find your voice and ease into your message at a moment when you might be scared, overwhelmed or confused)”

•  Name how this is impacting you with a simple expression of your feeling state. (doing this will help with self-connection)
• Name Needs/intention when intervening (the direction you want to be going in, or the qualities you would like to see at play.)
• Make a clear and strong suggestion or invitation.
• If the situation doesn’t stop and instead escalates,either towards someone else or towards you, or you don’t feel safe, then withdraw transparently naming what you are doing,
• “I can see what I want isn’t happening, I’m stepping back now"
• It can be helpful to stay in the indisputable territory of feelings and needs.

 

When jumping in between 2 people conflicting, I act as the prefrontal cortex for their amygdalas. They are in fight or flight, so I can be the calming voice of reason if necessary.

 

Most interventions are going to be painful or frustrating or even worse. It can leave an impact on us. So we need a ton of self-empathy afterwards.

 

It’s intuitive to know when to do something even if you have some fear. You can feel rooted in your feet and confident, but depending on the context decide the lack of safety outweighs the ability to intervene.

 

Roleplay can give insights, and rewire your way of thinking or experiencing a situation. Can also allow embodying of a practice and giving experience to build confidence. 

Yearning for Wholeness

 In the advanced course today, I was able to get some empathy on an event that happened over the weekend.

Observation: I did the grocery shopping, and when my husband paid, he then became angry at me for spending so much on my “stupid diet.”

We did an exercise to prepare for an authentic dialogue. It consists of first connecting to the energy of the beauty of the needs in myself, then doing the same for the other person, and finally setting a clear intention either to connect mutually in a way that would serve both our needs, or to do something else if that was not yet available to me.

The jackals that I connected to thought his reaction was unfair, and that if he hadn’t said a half yes, then I wouldn’t be forced to swallow his frustration . I wished that he take responsibility for his own “stuff” because too many times in life in general, people have uncomfortable feelings and project it onto others to make themselves feel better. I experienced this in a traumatic and triggering way growing up. I mentioned to my empathy buddy that it felt like I was in muddy waters when my own feelings and that of the other person get mixed together.

In another session with a different empathy buddy, one of the themes I identified as alive in me right now is the need to be able to have my own inner experience without others trying to change it in a way that’s more suitable to their own needs. It is tied to needs for self-expression and knowing myself. And as I reflect on it now, a voice in me says, “Or even to have needs at all” without telling myself the story that I am a burden if I do.

 

The empathy buddy doing this exercise with me made a guess that I would like clarity in my wholeness, and this really resonated for me. I imagined myself as a being of light emanating from myself, while when I am not clear in my own wholeness, I see myself as a transparent being, filled with both my and the other person’s emotions.

 

Being whole would mean holding the capacity of both separation and connection,  to be at choice in how I act on my self-awareness and interact with the world, and let that be an invitation. When both people are clear on what is theirs to manage and can clearly separate responsibility of their own needs, then both people have more freedom to access their Self/wholeness, while still remaining in connection. When I’m at choice to be aware of the stories I tell myself and choose what to do with it, it gives the other person freedom to do the same. Then there are no half yeses.

 

Besides freedom, it also brings me safety - to be able to anchor in myself as a whole being, rather than transparent in strong emotions from others or myself. I have a foundation from which to act in integrity with my values, instead of being victim to the storm.

 

It seems to me that the way to achieve this is to really be able to connect to my own needs and also feel the beauty of them as a living energy in my body, to express themselves through emotions and the body, to feel my solidness through the body being connected to the needs. I would say this is my definition of embodied NVC.

 

There is also a need for authentic expression; to create my own reality by feeding it with the power of my expression, whether spoken or written, and this is also what give energy to my wholeness. The energy of my attention can also support this, so that my light emanates outwards.

 

Listening to another participant’s reflection on their own experience, they said this sentence that also resonated with me: “Being flexible to switch to empathy is also in care of my own needs for care and love for the other person, and still honors my authenticity in self-expression.” I deeply resonated with this, because it also honors my need for choice. The illusion of either I abandon myself and a part of me dies to give empathy to the other, or I disconnect while honoring my authenticity, is allowed to dissipate.

 

The next exploration that I think will serve me is to now milk the needs/explore the beauty of the needs I’ve mentioned, e.g. the need for knowing myself, and being clear in my wholeness. I believe these are the two that will help me to build that strong foundation in myself, to which I can anchor to generate a sense of safety in myself.

 

If I fantasize now, what would that look like?

• I would be able to connect with myself to discover my needs, connect with the beauty of the needs by feeling it in my body as an energy that fills me, making me feel whole and solid.
• I can honor myself and my needs by connecting with their beauty, even if it’s not currently possible to meet them in the way that I would like. This brings me validation, space to exist with whatever is alive in me.
• My own inner light would shine as I bring the attention to myself, instead of trying to manage my external environment to make space for myself. I would experience that spaciousness from within, and under my own stipulations.
• I fully own everything happening in me, and release what doesn’t belong to me, including feeling the need to manage the emotions of others, or pressure to meet others’ needs in their favorite strategy. I could trust that there are other ways and time to find them. 
• When I do this, there is space and curiosity to be with others in a way that feels safe for me, and also is compassionate to others.
• I express myself authentically, while also being flexible about when and how that is done, in order to also meet my need to care for others. This is how I can stay in connection with others.

 

I think this is a wonderful blueprint to strive toward, while also validating and allowing the limits of my capacity or resources to do more right now. When I give myself this grace, it relieves the pressure to be something I’m not. What is in the way is the way. And eventually, I might even be able to receive others’ violence with grace, and see it as them reaching out to life.

 

Life in you, Life in me

This energy of mutuality is activated when...

I see/hear the Life in you,

You see/hear the Life in me,

Compassion arises in our hearts as we hold our pain in welcoming grace,

I speak with honesty and you hear me with an open heart,

The images of you I hold in my mind are dissolved by the presence of your life-affirming need,

You receive my violence with clarity and compassion and see me only reaching out to life,

Which helps me see/feel the real life in me.

-R. Gonzales