Automatic cringe

 I had an experience this morning that actually has happened to me various times in the past. Generally I would remember something in the past that makes me cringe, and my instant reaction is either to make a noise or even say something like "Nope, never again, ugh, stupid!" It's almost as if I would violently push against feeling whatever it was that comes along with a random memory. 

Today, instead of leaving it at the pushing away part, I decided to bring presence to myself to fully find out what about this memory actually made me react this way. So I took a breath, put my hand on my heart, and tried to connect to the sensation of the emotion in my body. However, this was fleeting, and I couldn't get as much information this way. It's probably because I was so used to instantly reacting with a shutting down or repressing of the feeling that it had already settled back down under the layers. 

So instead I began to think about the memory itself. It was when I was a teenager and there was a boy who was pursuing me because he liked me. I had flashes of moments when he would pressure me to say yes when I had already said I'm not interested. Often this would take place in front of a group of people, and I felt like I was being put on display against my will. I asked myself, "What is it about these incidents that makes you feel uncomfortable?" And the easiest way to access it is to begin thinking in jackal, and making judgments about how stupid he was, how unfair that I had to keep saying no and it wasn't accepted. That I was put in situations that were uncomfortable and embarassing, for other people to watch and comment on or laugh about. 

When I continued to celebrate the jackal, I started to see what was important for me. I wanted to be respected, to be listened to when I said no. I didn't want to be forced to say no again and again. I didn't want to be put in embarassing situations where my autonomy wasn't respected. Yes, I wanted autonomy, free from manipulation or coercion. I wanted to make my choices and for my own inner wisdom to be respected, rather than someone thinking they know better than me what I want and just need to wear me down until I change my answer. 

When I said the last two sentences, I felt a relaxation in my chest and could sigh in relief. My body didn't need to clamp down on that vague discomfort. I felt validated in my experience of this situation. It felt good to see what it was that made it uncomfortable, and connect with what was really important to me. I could only do that if I was fully present with myself; not only with what was happening in my body, but using my jackal language as the doorway to find out what was important to me. And although it happened a long time ago, this need is still very much alive in me: a need to be at choice, for acknowledgment and respect for my inner wisdom. And also, time to digest and connect with what I want, before being pressured to give an answer that the other person wants to hear.