A Need for Safety

I am more and more coming to realize how important it is for me to apply self-empathy as emotional first aid before I can even begin to think about having the spaciousness for empathy for the other person in the conflict. 

I had an argument with my stepson. We had leftovers from the day before, but only enough for one plate. We had other food available (two bags of chicken wings in the freezer), so I ate it. When he found out, he got very angry with me. I don't even remember what he said, but he had a very sarcastic tone. I told him, "You have a right to be angry about the food. But you don't have a right to speak rudely and disrespectfully to me." He continued anyway. So I said, "You can talk to me when you're done having your tantrum, but you can't speak to me now in this way." I left the room. 

Later, I saw that he had cooked an entire bag of wings. I told him that it doesn't seem fair that he will take an entire bag for himself and then leave one bag for the other two people in the house. He told me, "It sucks, doesn't it?" I started to get upset again and repeated I didn't want him speaking to me in a rude way, but he continued. At this point I started to get really upset, and went upstairs to cry. I needed to simply sit with myself and validate that it was painful to receive that treatment. 

How Relating from Trauma Disrupts the NVC Process

Looking back at the situation, there was something else at play. Sometimes his mannerisms remind me of my abusive ex husband. The speaking in Spanish with the same accent, the sarcastic and mean tone, not even waiting for me to finish my sentence before starting to speak over me, interrupting me without addressing what I said, the complete lack of care of my emotional state, ignoring my requests for respectful dialogue, etc. 

When these things happen, I notice that though rationally I know this is not the same thing, there is an emotional response that becomes greater and greater, throwing me into fight or flight mode. Emotionally it feels like I'm arguing with my ex husband again, and there are two states existing at the same time - my mental rational state, and the emotional reactive state. And generally, the mental rational state starts to recede while the emotional reactive state starts to take control and make it difficult to think clearly. 

While in NVC it would be said that I had a judgment that caused an emotional response, I don't think that's exactly what happened. I believe there was an emotional implicit memory that was activated. And in this reaction, I felt that I am not safe. Mentally, I might then make a judgment that this person is not safe to talk to or be emotionally vulnerable with (which is what happened in the conversation). But the bodily sensation of lack of safety and resultant fight or flight reaction is not a mental judgment, but a biological preservation technique. It's as conscious and deliberate as a sneeze. 

The overwhelm to the nervous system shuts down my ability to be at choice in how I want to live and respond. This is compounded by being highly sensitive to other people's emotional states, likely an ingrained response due to growing up with a highly emotionally dysregulated, volatile and manipulative mother. Because of this, safety is very, very important to me. 

After Effects: What is needed to continue the reparation process?

The next day, he asked me how I am and if I feel better. I said I did feel better, but I still don't like the way he spoke to me. He said he was sorry, and that he did that because he was angry. At that moment I noticed almost like a switch flip in me moving him from the "unsafe" to "safe" category. What my gut instinct really needed was to see that he understood his own impact on me and that it wasn't OK. 

In my past abusive and traumatic experiences, the people who were supposed to be the closest to me and most loving of me weren't capable of this, and I felt despair in situations that I couldn't escape from. This had made me want to avoid him altogether, although naturally another part of me wanted harmony in the home as well as a good relationship with him. However, my own need for safety made it harder for me to be the first one to approach him. As well, avoidance is a sign of lingering unprocessed trauma. 

From there it was a lot easier for me to open myself vulnerably to let him know I care about him and treat him as my own, and made a request asking him what can we do the next time so that we can continue to have a good relationship together. We both agreed that if we're angry we will leave the conversation and talk after we've regulated ourselves. But if he hadn't been the first to approach me, perhaps it would've taken a day or two longer for me to work up the courage to open myself, when a part of me resisted placing myself in what it believed would be a similar situation to the past.

Learning How to Say "Yes" to Myself

Being able to have empathy for others requires a level of resilience and a resourced state that is not fully addressed in the NVC training I've had up to now. (I've been practicing and doing courses for about a year) Most of the time I'm advised to leave the conversation and get empathy from another person, but it doesn't address nervous system regulation or having an understanding of how expectations for giving all of my attention might be a big ask when my trauma is around "erasure of self"; not having any consideration at all for my emotional needs and even being punished for trying to take up space. 

The result has been to learn to meet my own needs and not ask others to meet them...even giving up hope that that could be possible. It also made me fiercely protective of my own energy when demands are placed on me to provide something when I can't reasonably ask for it to also be returned to me. 

When I first learned about NVC and saw that invariably the onus was on the person who has NVC skills to hold space for the other person, I rightfully had an unagreeable sensation of contraction, and worry for my own needs not being met in the situation. I thought, "Is it really true then, that I have to always forego myself first in order to connect with someone else?"

When I first started to learn it was because I wanted more harmony in how I relate to others. I have already been doing other self-development work and coaching aside from my NVC practice, but I'm seeing more and more how important it is to make NVC something I do for myself instead of for other people. In a sense, NVC is a strategy to serve life itself. If it doesn't first address the living energy of needs in myself, and if I'm not fully grounded in that, then how can my practice with others be anything but incomplete, inauthentic and ultimately ineffective?

After this experience, I see more and more the necessity of becoming intimately connected with my own body and the ways that it speaks to me. It's important to know when I'm starting to become disregulated and not to let it take over the direction of the dialogue. There is a question I've come up with that will help me to know when I can continue, and when I need to stop: 

Am I resourced enough in this moment to have space for empathy for the other person?

If I cannot in good faith answer with a full yes to this question, that means I need empathy myself, and need to stop the dialogue. Naturally, my body is trained up until now to search for moments of lack of safety and respond by going into fight or flight. (generally fight, to be honest) But this doesn't meet my need for choice and autonomy. It means being intimately connected to my own body, allowing it to speak to me and let me know what it needs. And that when I stop the dialogue, it's not in order to come back more prepared to give empathy to another person, but to provide myself what I need because I am worthy of being cared for. 

This is an act of care and love meant to build trust in myself. It's moving from a place of coercion ("I need to answer to the other person's needs RIGHT NOW") to a place of choice ("I have a right to tend to myself, regardless of how the other person feels or thinks what I should do"). It means saying yes to myself first, when I have always been trained to say no.

I think this is the piece I was missing when I first read that I need to focus my full attention on the other person's message when giving empathy, even when it comes out in jackal. I wasn't told anywhere that I fully deserved this for myself first. Going forward, I believe that my nervous system can be more at ease and learn to trust me more as I consciously choose strategies that serve the most vulnerable parts of me. When I do this, the life energy can fully flow in myself. When I am connected to life energy within me, then I no longer rely on others to provide this connection. Instead, feeling the flow of life between myself and others becomes a gift, instead of a demand.

Automatic cringe

 I had an experience this morning that actually has happened to me various times in the past. Generally I would remember something in the past that makes me cringe, and my instant reaction is either to make a noise or even say something like "Nope, never again, ugh, stupid!" It's almost as if I would violently push against feeling whatever it was that comes along with a random memory. 

Today, instead of leaving it at the pushing away part, I decided to bring presence to myself to fully find out what about this memory actually made me react this way. So I took a breath, put my hand on my heart, and tried to connect to the sensation of the emotion in my body. However, this was fleeting, and I couldn't get as much information this way. It's probably because I was so used to instantly reacting with a shutting down or repressing of the feeling that it had already settled back down under the layers. 

So instead I began to think about the memory itself. It was when I was a teenager and there was a boy who was pursuing me because he liked me. I had flashes of moments when he would pressure me to say yes when I had already said I'm not interested. Often this would take place in front of a group of people, and I felt like I was being put on display against my will. I asked myself, "What is it about these incidents that makes you feel uncomfortable?" And the easiest way to access it is to begin thinking in jackal, and making judgments about how stupid he was, how unfair that I had to keep saying no and it wasn't accepted. That I was put in situations that were uncomfortable and embarassing, for other people to watch and comment on or laugh about. 

When I continued to celebrate the jackal, I started to see what was important for me. I wanted to be respected, to be listened to when I said no. I didn't want to be forced to say no again and again. I didn't want to be put in embarassing situations where my autonomy wasn't respected. Yes, I wanted autonomy, free from manipulation or coercion. I wanted to make my choices and for my own inner wisdom to be respected, rather than someone thinking they know better than me what I want and just need to wear me down until I change my answer. 

When I said the last two sentences, I felt a relaxation in my chest and could sigh in relief. My body didn't need to clamp down on that vague discomfort. I felt validated in my experience of this situation. It felt good to see what it was that made it uncomfortable, and connect with what was really important to me. I could only do that if I was fully present with myself; not only with what was happening in my body, but using my jackal language as the doorway to find out what was important to me. And although it happened a long time ago, this need is still very much alive in me: a need to be at choice, for acknowledgment and respect for my inner wisdom. And also, time to digest and connect with what I want, before being pressured to give an answer that the other person wants to hear. 

Navigating conflict while in pain

 Last night I had a conflict with my husband. I was watching a TV drama that had a very sad part to it, and I started to tear up. My husband came from the kitchen, came over to me as I wiped my tears, and peered close to my face. Then he began to laugh a lot. I got angry and cursed at him to leave me alone, which made him laugh even more. He said something like, "I love you because you are sensitive, and also so stupid" and made as if to hug me, but I pushed him away and again told him to leave me alone. I finished the show, then told him it was fucked up that he saw me having a private and vulnerable moment and chose that time to laugh at me and call me sensitive and stupid. He apologized profusely and said he was just joking, but I was too hurt and angry to listen and left for the bedroom.

I decided to practice giving myself some self empathy because I did not have the capacity or feel safe to ask to coregulate with him at that time. I first celebrated my jackals by voicing in my head what was really upsetting me: "What the hell is wrong with him? What kind of person laughs at someone else for having emotions?" There was still a small part of me that knew that there is probably something missing to the story, and that usually I can rely on him to be accepting and safe, and it's just a matter of discussing what was going on so we can understand each other better. However the part of me that was hurt had a belief that he was no longer safe, and doubted the entire foundation of the relationship over one mistake.

 From listening to a workshop with Arnina Kashtan, I knew that at the basis of every judgment was a need. So I knew it was important to fully allow and voice the judgments (celebrate the jackal) before I could get to the next step of the process. I'd recently received an e-mail from Sarah Peyton about healing trauma with self resonance, and decided to use the technique of saying my own name to myself when making guesses on feelings and needs. 

I began by saying, "Christina, I know it really hurts. It hurts a lot. It's so painful to be laughed at, to be told you are sensitive and stupid." When I put words to it, the feeling increased and there were more tears. But when I tried to continue to talk to myself, to say it makes sense how I feel, that I want to have respect, etc., I noticed that I started to feel distance from my feelings and body. I realized that the more words I used, the more I went into my head, and the further away I went from directly experiecing the feelings and sensations in my body. So instead, I stuck with just repeating what felt true for me: that it was so hurtful to hear those things, it was painful to receive laughter. I found the more I simply said what felt true, the more I felt validated in my feelings in the sense that there was space for my experience of reality, that I was allowed and affirmed in my experience. And this actually brought a feeling of safety and relaxation in expression, in the form of sadness and tears. When this is allowed, then it's easier for the emotion to express and come to completion. In the past, I might've tried to rationalize and make plans on discussions before I tended to what was alive in me. Now I recognize it as a form of emotional bypassing. 

This was a very valuable experience. It affirms how the less you "do" when giving empathy, the more space there is to be fully present. It's not about what I rationalize or affirm or validate verbally, but a quality of being with. Simply being a witness, and creating a co-relational space for someone to authentically express is enough. It is far more effective not to think of what to say, but to find the words that someone has said that felt the most alive in them, and then offer them back, like a mirror. 

Once I was fully able to express these things, I could start to access the needs underneath: I wanted to fully be myself. I wanted to not be laughed at or ridiculed - and when removing other people from the equation, I wanted to feel safe in fully being myself and expressing myself. And I knew that I cannot rely on other people to make it safe for me all of the time, because people are imperfect. So the only way to feel safe is to create that acceptance and safety in myself. So I held myself in a tight hug, and I told myself, "Christina, I love you no matter how you are." I would pause to let that land fully in my body before saying it again. I made the intention to not only hear words, but feel the energetic intention behind them, and be both the giver and receiver of this intention, fully being present with myself, and connected to myself both emotionally and physically by touch. 

The next day I asked for an explanation from him, and he regretted using the word "stupid" as it sounds harsher, and maybe silly would've been better. He did not understand that I really hate when people examine my face and interrogate me about crying when I'm just trying to enjoy my show in peace without feeling like I have to guard my feelings or put on a show for other people. And he explained that at first he laughed because of my angry reaction to his innocuous question, but then started to laugh even more because he felt pain in his chest and could barely talk, so he was actually laughing at the situation and not at me or my feelings. He did not come to soothe me or calm me down because when he's upset he prefers to be left alone. So this confirms that when something happens that seems to have no explanation, there usually is one that I just don't have access to yet. There is no need for a finality or for one argument to change the meaning of a relationship. Misunderstandings happen when we let our judgments be the closing argument instead of the opening one. 

Reflections on an on again, off again friendship

 There is a dynamic in a friendship that I have in which we would be close, but at some point something would happen that would lead to me feeling unsafe, and I would withdraw or make my availability scarce. The last time this happened, I didn't speak to this person for 7 months. The lack of safety was brought up in me when I had a panic attack as a result of speaking with this person, which scared me because I don't have any history of panic attacks or generalized anxiety disorder. Though it wasn't intentional and the conversation seemed civil, there was something in me that at the time I was not equipped or resourced to handle. 

Since then I've begun learning NVC, as well as doing my coaching work where I build my capacity to feel and experience strong emotions. I also developed self-empathy skills to start to identify my feelings and needs more, as well as be able to connect with the living energy of the need - which helps me to have a direct experience of my truth, rather than intellectualizing the feeling or need. 

We recently got into contact again and after some candid discussion, I think we have come to a point where we agreed to talk on the phone about any misconceptions we've had and be willing to take it from there to see where this friendship will go, or if it will end decisively. 

In myself I did observe thoughts along the lines of, "Frienship shouldn't be difficult, this is hard and I don't even know if it's worth it to continue." It was accompanied by a sensation in my body that I interpret as overwhelm. I notice that this comes from a part of me that is lacking clarity in what I want in friendship, that doesn't know yet that I can have values about what I do and don't want, and can communicate those needs, make requests, and remove myself from the situation when it's no longer suitable. 

In the past, I might've tried to ignored it for the stubborn sake of having the friendship while ignoring the needs that were coming up. This resulted in self-betrayal, and a more gut level reaction of fleeing when it became too intense for this part of me. Currently, I am able to meet with those feelings as they arise. I can see the judgment and have space for it to be there, without fully believing in it, but without ignoring it either. I see it as an invitation to fully deepen into my own experience, a beginning to the path toward arriving at what's really important to me (need) and a beautiful notification that I'm receiving this invitation (feeling). 

I also notice when the other person makes judgments about what my sharing is implying or asking for when I didn't make that explicit, when they take responsibility for my feelings even when I have said that I am the only one responsible, and also the problems that come up when our minds fill in the blanks of coming to conclusions on why people do or say the things they do. There are a lot of expectations reinforced by social norms that can be so damaging to relationships, even when the two people try their best to have candor. 

Connecting with the anxiety (tightness and pain in chest and stomach), there is a fear that I will get into a heavy discussion. When I am in an argument with this person, I sometimes feel cornered to the point that I have to admit I'm wrong in some way. There is a part of me that is resentful that my good intentions are treated with suspicion, and that my attempts to help are made out to be self-serving. And as I feel into it further, there's part of me that's reminded of my demanding mother, which made me out to never be good enough, always lacking in some way. All of my good points were discounted if there was one thing that wasn't perfect. And the level of perfection needed was incapable for me because it meant being only what is pleasing to the other person, and not having freedom to express my authenticity. 

So in this situation I fear that my needs for freedom, authenticity, and self-expression won't be met. Neither would my needs for mutual regard and trust. And if these were met, I would be able to fully relax. I could take up space. I could fully feel myself, know myself. And I would still have a sense of connection and belonging. 

So moving forward when I next speak to this person, the request I would make to myself is that if there is any point in the conversation when I feel pressure to not express myself authentically, to work with this person to find different strategies to get both my and their needs met. And to recognize that while it's true that only strategies can be in conflict, not needs, that perhaps having friendships or relationships with certain people is also a strategy to get a need met, and in that sense, it may care for the needs of both more if the friendship or relationship dissolves. And finally, that I stay in tune with and true to my needs in the moment, without overriding them to meet the needs of the other.

The next request that I make to myself is, instead of trying to guide the outcome, to simply be open to express myself, and also hear the other person, and take it from there. Just like when we give empathy to others, there is no agenda and only trust that each person already has what they need in a situation. We simply offer presence as it is healing in itself. If I could trust more in this for both myself and the other, then I wonder what the result would be? I imagine that, regardless of the outcome, it would be one that serves the authentic and free expression of life that comes forth through both of us. 

The difference between empathy and compassion

 I was watching a video made by Nadine about the difference between empathy and compassion.

 

In Buddhist understanding, compassion is knowing we all suffer, and this bringing energy to actively trying to reduce or even eliminate the suffering of others. Inherent assumption other need to be helped.

 

Empathy in scientific research is the experience of neurons lighting up as a listener, being the same ones that light up in the other person, whether it’s pain or joy. I.e. feeling the feelings of the other person.

 

In NVC, empathy is simply being with, in the present moment with, and connecting with the life of the other person while focusing on feelings and needs, without an agenda to fix them or solve their issue. I enjoy and trust their own intelligence when I listen, when I share presence with them, to have things become clear and fall into place with them.

 

Her colleague Eva says: “Empathy is an intentional quality of attention which brings about a sense of compassion” I.e. our intention to connect with life. Then in NVC, sympathy is feeling the same as the other person.

What comes up for me is my experience with attention itself. Attention has an energy to it. When doing a meditation to turn the energy of my attention from going outward to myself, I can really feel the difference, as if a spotlight of energy was lighting up my entire body. It feels nourishing, almost replenishing. I find that a large portion of my day is spent with the energy of my attention leaving me to go to something or someone else, be it someone/thing in front of me, or even in thoughts about the future or the past. In those moments I don’t feel grounded in my body, and notice it’s more difficult to feel myself and fully inhabit my body - as if whatever my attention rests on is taking up all of my reality without any space for me to feel my own existence. My mind siphons my attention somewhere else, and this leaves me feeling depleted after a while.

 

This is why when I first started to learn NVC and read Marshall say that “Empathy requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message,” (from “Nonviolent Communication : A Language of Life”) initially I thought it made sense, but there was an underlying trepidation that got more pronounced the more I learned. The question was, “What about me and my experience? Where am I in this? And what if I’m also in pain?” And the only answer I’ve received after almost a year of different courses was that perhaps in that moment I need empathy too and should find it somewhere else, rather than with the person in front of me who also needs empathy and is not at capacity to give empathy. And I am adding for myself, that they are not at capacity to fully witness me as a separate entity with her own needs, feelings, and experience. This is not a very satisfying answer for me because it’s so important to me that the way I choose to interact with the world also leaves space for myself to be.

 

I think this need comes from a child part of me that experienced enmeshment trauma with a mentally ill mother. I was not allowed to have my own beliefs or feelings about things, and if I did, then I would be punished or ostracized. I was the black sheep because of my need to express and fully feel myself. I think this is a normal thing for children growing up, so they can fully develop themselves and learn about who they are becoming. But if this process is blocked or associated with pain, then it can be difficult as an adult to assert oneself. Then comes the dilemma of having to choose between being my authentic self, or belonging. So when I seek NVC as a possible solution to find belonging with others, and I see a preference put on giving my attention and presence to someone else in order for the need to be met, then the other need for authenticity and presence with myself dies.

 

A more concrete example of how I experience presence: when I’m speaking to someone who is distracted and thinking of something else, I feel they are “not present.” Though their physical body is there, I don’t feel them there. Maybe their eyes are not on me and instead staring in the distance, or looking at their phone. And then there is a sense of disconnection and loneliness. Marshall said, “The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy.”

 

There is a conundrum here - I feel connection and belonging when I share my presence, but have not figured out how to share this presence equally with myself and the other. I imagine in some situations the presence can move to one side more than the other depending on what’s needed. And I fear the times when I feel that I must leave my own presence in favor of the other, as if I’m being coerced (either directly by the other or by an expectation or pressure I place on myself). Like I have to give something up or give something away in order to receive.

 

“People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” I saw this quote on Facebook, and I also turned it around for myself. “I can only meet others as deeply as I’ve met myself.” And I wonder if the root of the issue here is thinking that I need to receive this attention from outside, or belonging from outside. Is it even possible to give it to myself? I have gotten beautiful glimpses of what happens when I shed all agenda to be what I am not, to simply exist, and give myself that attention. But I can’t stay in this state for long, and if it’s possible then I haven’t practiced enough. Inevitably life happens, I must respond, and I begin to inhabit the inner characters again. On that point, I know that the idea is not to get rid of them entirely, but to have choice on how I want to interact or inhabit each one, rather than being driven reactively by them.

 

But I am still left with the question, how do I take up space for myself and also have space for the other? It seems the answer would be first to expand the capacity to feel safe in my own body, and develop skills that allow me to feel rooted, resilient and resourced enough that I’m able to offer my presence to others without becoming engulfed myself. Building the capacity includes the work I’ve already done to feel into my body, feel into emotions somatically as they come up without resisting them, and being the space in which all of these feelings express themselves.