Last night I had a conflict with my husband. I was watching a TV drama that had a very sad part to it, and I started to tear up. My husband came from the kitchen, came over to me as I wiped my tears, and peered close to my face. Then he began to laugh a lot. I got angry and cursed at him to leave me alone, which made him laugh even more. He said something like, "I love you because you are sensitive, and also so stupid" and made as if to hug me, but I pushed him away and again told him to leave me alone. I finished the show, then told him it was fucked up that he saw me having a private and vulnerable moment and chose that time to laugh at me and call me sensitive and stupid. He apologized profusely and said he was just joking, but I was too hurt and angry to listen and left for the bedroom.
I decided to practice giving myself some self empathy because I did not have the capacity or feel safe to ask to coregulate with him at that time. I first celebrated my jackals by voicing in my head what was really upsetting me: "What the hell is wrong with him? What kind of person laughs at someone else for having emotions?" There was still a small part of me that knew that there is probably something missing to the story, and that usually I can rely on him to be accepting and safe, and it's just a matter of discussing what was going on so we can understand each other better. However the part of me that was hurt had a belief that he was no longer safe, and doubted the entire foundation of the relationship over one mistake.
From listening to a workshop with Arnina Kashtan, I knew that at the basis of every judgment was a need. So I knew it was important to fully allow and voice the judgments (celebrate the jackal) before I could get to the next step of the process. I'd recently received an e-mail from Sarah Peyton about healing trauma with self resonance, and decided to use the technique of saying my own name to myself when making guesses on feelings and needs.
I began by saying, "Christina, I know it really hurts. It hurts a lot. It's so painful to be laughed at, to be told you are sensitive and stupid." When I put words to it, the feeling increased and there were more tears. But when I tried to continue to talk to myself, to say it makes sense how I feel, that I want to have respect, etc., I noticed that I started to feel distance from my feelings and body. I realized that the more words I used, the more I went into my head, and the further away I went from directly experiecing the feelings and sensations in my body. So instead, I stuck with just repeating what felt true for me: that it was so hurtful to hear those things, it was painful to receive laughter. I found the more I simply said what felt true, the more I felt validated in my feelings in the sense that there was space for my experience of reality, that I was allowed and affirmed in my experience. And this actually brought a feeling of safety and relaxation in expression, in the form of sadness and tears. When this is allowed, then it's easier for the emotion to express and come to completion. In the past, I might've tried to rationalize and make plans on discussions before I tended to what was alive in me. Now I recognize it as a form of emotional bypassing.
This was a very valuable experience. It affirms how the less you "do" when giving empathy, the more space there is to be fully present. It's not about what I rationalize or affirm or validate verbally, but a quality of being with. Simply being a witness, and creating a co-relational space for someone to authentically express is enough. It is far more effective not to think of what to say, but to find the words that someone has said that felt the most alive in them, and then offer them back, like a mirror.
Once I was fully able to express these things, I could start to access the needs underneath: I wanted to fully be myself. I wanted to not be laughed at or ridiculed - and when removing other people from the equation, I wanted to feel safe in fully being myself and expressing myself. And I knew that I cannot rely on other people to make it safe for me all of the time, because people are imperfect. So the only way to feel safe is to create that acceptance and safety in myself. So I held myself in a tight hug, and I told myself, "Christina, I love you no matter how you are." I would pause to let that land fully in my body before saying it again. I made the intention to not only hear words, but feel the energetic intention behind them, and be both the giver and receiver of this intention, fully being present with myself, and connected to myself both emotionally and physically by touch.
The next day I asked for an explanation from him, and he regretted using the word "stupid" as it sounds harsher, and maybe silly would've been better. He did not understand that I really hate when people examine my face and interrogate me about crying when I'm just trying to enjoy my show in peace without feeling like I have to guard my feelings or put on a show for other people. And he explained that at first he laughed because of my angry reaction to his innocuous question, but then started to laugh even more because he felt pain in his chest and could barely talk, so he was actually laughing at the situation and not at me or my feelings. He did not come to soothe me or calm me down because when he's upset he prefers to be left alone. So this confirms that when something happens that seems to have no explanation, there usually is one that I just don't have access to yet. There is no need for a finality or for one argument to change the meaning of a relationship. Misunderstandings happen when we let our judgments be the closing argument instead of the opening one.
No comments:
Post a Comment