The difference between empathy and compassion

 I was watching a video made by Nadine about the difference between empathy and compassion.

 

In Buddhist understanding, compassion is knowing we all suffer, and this bringing energy to actively trying to reduce or even eliminate the suffering of others. Inherent assumption other need to be helped.

 

Empathy in scientific research is the experience of neurons lighting up as a listener, being the same ones that light up in the other person, whether it’s pain or joy. I.e. feeling the feelings of the other person.

 

In NVC, empathy is simply being with, in the present moment with, and connecting with the life of the other person while focusing on feelings and needs, without an agenda to fix them or solve their issue. I enjoy and trust their own intelligence when I listen, when I share presence with them, to have things become clear and fall into place with them.

 

Her colleague Eva says: “Empathy is an intentional quality of attention which brings about a sense of compassion” I.e. our intention to connect with life. Then in NVC, sympathy is feeling the same as the other person.

What comes up for me is my experience with attention itself. Attention has an energy to it. When doing a meditation to turn the energy of my attention from going outward to myself, I can really feel the difference, as if a spotlight of energy was lighting up my entire body. It feels nourishing, almost replenishing. I find that a large portion of my day is spent with the energy of my attention leaving me to go to something or someone else, be it someone/thing in front of me, or even in thoughts about the future or the past. In those moments I don’t feel grounded in my body, and notice it’s more difficult to feel myself and fully inhabit my body - as if whatever my attention rests on is taking up all of my reality without any space for me to feel my own existence. My mind siphons my attention somewhere else, and this leaves me feeling depleted after a while.

 

This is why when I first started to learn NVC and read Marshall say that “Empathy requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message,” (from “Nonviolent Communication : A Language of Life”) initially I thought it made sense, but there was an underlying trepidation that got more pronounced the more I learned. The question was, “What about me and my experience? Where am I in this? And what if I’m also in pain?” And the only answer I’ve received after almost a year of different courses was that perhaps in that moment I need empathy too and should find it somewhere else, rather than with the person in front of me who also needs empathy and is not at capacity to give empathy. And I am adding for myself, that they are not at capacity to fully witness me as a separate entity with her own needs, feelings, and experience. This is not a very satisfying answer for me because it’s so important to me that the way I choose to interact with the world also leaves space for myself to be.

 

I think this need comes from a child part of me that experienced enmeshment trauma with a mentally ill mother. I was not allowed to have my own beliefs or feelings about things, and if I did, then I would be punished or ostracized. I was the black sheep because of my need to express and fully feel myself. I think this is a normal thing for children growing up, so they can fully develop themselves and learn about who they are becoming. But if this process is blocked or associated with pain, then it can be difficult as an adult to assert oneself. Then comes the dilemma of having to choose between being my authentic self, or belonging. So when I seek NVC as a possible solution to find belonging with others, and I see a preference put on giving my attention and presence to someone else in order for the need to be met, then the other need for authenticity and presence with myself dies.

 

A more concrete example of how I experience presence: when I’m speaking to someone who is distracted and thinking of something else, I feel they are “not present.” Though their physical body is there, I don’t feel them there. Maybe their eyes are not on me and instead staring in the distance, or looking at their phone. And then there is a sense of disconnection and loneliness. Marshall said, “The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy.”

 

There is a conundrum here - I feel connection and belonging when I share my presence, but have not figured out how to share this presence equally with myself and the other. I imagine in some situations the presence can move to one side more than the other depending on what’s needed. And I fear the times when I feel that I must leave my own presence in favor of the other, as if I’m being coerced (either directly by the other or by an expectation or pressure I place on myself). Like I have to give something up or give something away in order to receive.

 

“People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” I saw this quote on Facebook, and I also turned it around for myself. “I can only meet others as deeply as I’ve met myself.” And I wonder if the root of the issue here is thinking that I need to receive this attention from outside, or belonging from outside. Is it even possible to give it to myself? I have gotten beautiful glimpses of what happens when I shed all agenda to be what I am not, to simply exist, and give myself that attention. But I can’t stay in this state for long, and if it’s possible then I haven’t practiced enough. Inevitably life happens, I must respond, and I begin to inhabit the inner characters again. On that point, I know that the idea is not to get rid of them entirely, but to have choice on how I want to interact or inhabit each one, rather than being driven reactively by them.

 

But I am still left with the question, how do I take up space for myself and also have space for the other? It seems the answer would be first to expand the capacity to feel safe in my own body, and develop skills that allow me to feel rooted, resilient and resourced enough that I’m able to offer my presence to others without becoming engulfed myself. Building the capacity includes the work I’ve already done to feel into my body, feel into emotions somatically as they come up without resisting them, and being the space in which all of these feelings express themselves. 

Exploring my Role in giving Empathy

 In one of our sessions in the advanced course, I was paired with another participant to practice awareness of moving from an observation of an outer event, to noticing the different aspects of experiencing such as judgments and criticisms, feelings (and allowing yourself to feel it), sensations/energy in the body, values/longings in relation to the incident (and also feeling it), and also if there’s any resistance to these aspects of the inner experience. Then we were asked to move from the outer stimulus to the inner experience, and back again, to notice the change in relation to one and the other, if a change appears. We were told that though the intention was to practice the exercise, we can make space and allow for whatever arises to do so organically.

The person I partnered with was really stuck in the story of her situation. Though the frustration with her brother was the constant, her mind would jump from one story to another. In my attempts to make a space to pause and allow her to connect with her inner experience, her mind would immediately bring her to another story. Her speaking speed was also quite fast, so it also was a bit unbalancing for me as I tried to keep up with her, making guesses when appropriate.

I noticed that frustration and pressure arose in me when I had the agenda to either follow the exercise or lead her to connect more with her inner experience. Then I would feel a bit guilty and remember that the aim was not to lead her anywhere specific but to simply be with what unfolds in the moment while also staying as present as possible in myself.

Later when connecting with the part of me that was stimulated by a feeling of pressure to support her well, to show my skillfulness in empathy, and wanting to do my best as it’s important to me to do this as a meaningful career. I realized this part of me was a part that believed that if I am not skillful then I am “not good enough.” And this likely stems from a childhood growing up without any outside support or empathy, so I needed to be so skillful that I could survive on my own without it.

This also combined with my strong desire to experience more depth in connection with others. It’s nourishing to me when both people can be fully present with themselves and the other person, to connect with their inner experience and communicate what’s alive in them, creating a shared space of belonging. When the other person seems to go at the speed of their own thoughts and stories, it feels like there isn’t enough space for me to also exist there. Thus, my needs for belonging and connection aren’t met.

I asked Nadine for some feedback on if she ever feels torn between bringing her own unique expression of NVC and the pressure to support/contribute to others, and how she deals with that. Here are some things she said that really helped me clarify for myself what NVC is and what its purpose is:

I might have an agenda when doing a practice of moving them from a place of contraction to a place of connection and expansion. Any time I catch myself with that, I feel it in my body. I might notice in my mind that I’m calculating or feeling exhausted from trying to accomplish something, I can breathe or pause and remember that the person in front of me has everything they need and their own wisdom. It’s not my job to solve anything for them. I can repeat to myself a mantra, for example, “I’m not responsible” or “My presence is enough.”

In my silence the other person might have an insight or turn a corner in some way, and we are just creating the conditions for their inner wisdom to come forth. We are amplifying presence, pausing and feeling together. I’m not doing it for them, but just supporting it to happen.

I need to trust the unfolding of what’s happening. With some people I might lose trust by thinking “they’re too much this/that.” I can work with that in a life-serving way if I can stay connected with that and just relax around amplifying presence and bringing some pointers, and being relaxed about the outcome. When I get attached to the outcome, it means I need empathy.

All I can ever be is my own unique expression of how the consciousness of NVC wants to express itself through me in the moment. I cannot be different. I need to trust that some people will click with it, some not, and I can’t adopt 1,000 faces or techniques because it’s neither of those, but a way of being. In the end, people won’t remember what you did or said, but how they felt in your presence.

I found the trust issue come up again when receiving empathy from a friend about another friend that I’ve been giving empathy to. I get frustrated that she stays in a relationship that she’s very unhappy in. There were two points that the friend who was giving me empathy created the conditions for me to discover. One was that my frustration comes from a lack of trust - I don’t trust that my friend would choose what’s good for her because of her history and lack of resources or skills that can help her navigate the situation. The other part comes from wanting her to receive the love she deserves and not wanting her to feel pain.

I still have something to work on when it comes to trust. I trust that no matter what happens, I will be OK. But I haven’t extended this yet to other people, including my friend. I need to work on trusting this, and also that she already has the answer she needs, but is not ready to accept it yet, and will probably do so in her own time.

The second one is wanting her not to feel pain. But I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite poems. “ Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Pain has a purpose. It motivates us toward change. Life is not static,it is always changing. And so even the energy of pain in the body is an expression of life force energy. What stops it from moving through us and completing the process is our own relationship to it and contraction around it. I can also trust that pain isn’t forever, and eventually the pendulum will swing to the other side. So in my own explorations, I can extend my acceptance and allowing of even the painful things to extend to other people to whom I give empathy.

Finally, going in with “fixer” energy is a subtle declaration of my lack in trust of them. It gives the signal that I don’t believe they know how to solve their own problems or that there is no room or space to simply express and vent. The receiver may believe they’re being judged, which makes them close themselves instead of connect and have their needs be met in some way through empathy. Giving space for whatever arises in them without immediately giving suggestions on what to do can be a huge relief in itself.

Summary:

• Needing to feel skillful and having an agenda can get in the way of someone meeting their own wisdom. I simply create the conditions for both of us to amplify presence.
• I need to lean into trusting they will be OK without my doing anything but being my unique self.
• Pain has a useful purpose and it’s OK for them to experience it.
• If I am attached to an outcome, I need empathy.
• “I am not responsible.”
• "My presence is enough."