In one of our sessions in the advanced course, I was paired with another participant to practice awareness of moving from an observation of an outer event, to noticing the different aspects of experiencing such as judgments and criticisms, feelings (and allowing yourself to feel it), sensations/energy in the body, values/longings in relation to the incident (and also feeling it), and also if there’s any resistance to these aspects of the inner experience. Then we were asked to move from the outer stimulus to the inner experience, and back again, to notice the change in relation to one and the other, if a change appears. We were told that though the intention was to practice the exercise, we can make space and allow for whatever arises to do so organically.
The person I partnered with was really stuck in the story of her situation. Though the frustration with her brother was the constant, her mind would jump from one story to another. In my attempts to make a space to pause and allow her to connect with her inner experience, her mind would immediately bring her to another story. Her speaking speed was also quite fast, so it also was a bit unbalancing for me as I tried to keep up with her, making guesses when appropriate.
I noticed that frustration and pressure arose in me when I had the agenda to either follow the exercise or lead her to connect more with her inner experience. Then I would feel a bit guilty and remember that the aim was not to lead her anywhere specific but to simply be with what unfolds in the moment while also staying as present as possible in myself.
Later when connecting with the part of me that was stimulated by a feeling of pressure to support her well, to show my skillfulness in empathy, and wanting to do my best as it’s important to me to do this as a meaningful career. I realized this part of me was a part that believed that if I am not skillful then I am “not good enough.” And this likely stems from a childhood growing up without any outside support or empathy, so I needed to be so skillful that I could survive on my own without it.
This also combined with my strong desire to experience more depth in connection with others. It’s nourishing to me when both people can be fully present with themselves and the other person, to connect with their inner experience and communicate what’s alive in them, creating a shared space of belonging. When the other person seems to go at the speed of their own thoughts and stories, it feels like there isn’t enough space for me to also exist there. Thus, my needs for belonging and connection aren’t met.
I asked Nadine for some feedback on if she ever feels torn between bringing her own unique expression of NVC and the pressure to support/contribute to others, and how she deals with that. Here are some things she said that really helped me clarify for myself what NVC is and what its purpose is:
I might have an agenda when doing a practice of moving them from a place of contraction to a place of connection and expansion. Any time I catch myself with that, I feel it in my body. I might notice in my mind that I’m calculating or feeling exhausted from trying to accomplish something, I can breathe or pause and remember that the person in front of me has everything they need and their own wisdom. It’s not my job to solve anything for them. I can repeat to myself a mantra, for example, “I’m not responsible” or “My presence is enough.”
In my silence the other person might have an insight or turn a corner in some way, and we are just creating the conditions for their inner wisdom to come forth. We are amplifying presence, pausing and feeling together. I’m not doing it for them, but just supporting it to happen.
I need to trust the unfolding of what’s happening. With some people I might lose trust by thinking “they’re too much this/that.” I can work with that in a life-serving way if I can stay connected with that and just relax around amplifying presence and bringing some pointers, and being relaxed about the outcome. When I get attached to the outcome, it means I need empathy.
All I can ever be is my own unique expression of how the consciousness of NVC wants to express itself through me in the moment. I cannot be different. I need to trust that some people will click with it, some not, and I can’t adopt 1,000 faces or techniques because it’s neither of those, but a way of being. In the end, people won’t remember what you did or said, but how you they felt in your presence.
I found the trust issue come up again when receiving empathy from a friend about another friend that I’ve been giving empathy to. I get frustrated that she stays in a relationship that she’s very unhappy in. There were to points that the friend who was giving me empathy created the conditions for me to discover. One was that my frustration comes from a lack of trust - I don’t trust that my friend would choose what’s good for her because of her history and lack of resources or skills that can help her navigate the situation. The other part comes from wanting her to receive the love she deserves and not wanting her to feel pain.
I still have something to work on when it comes to trust. I trust that no matter what happens, I will be OK. But I haven’t extended this yet to other people, including my friend. I need to work on trusting this, and also that she already has the answer she needs, but is not ready to accept it yet, and will probably do so in her own time.
The second one is wanting her not to feel pain. But I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite poems. “ Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Pain has a purpose. It motivates us toward change. Life is not static,it is always changing. And so even the energy of pain in the body is an expression of life force energy. What stops it from moving through us and completing the process is our own relationship to it and contraction around it. I can also trust that pain isn’t forever, and eventually the pendulum will swing to the other side. So in my own explorations, I can extend my acceptance and allowing of even the painful things to extend to other people to whom I give empathy.
Finally, going in with “fixer” energy is a subtle declaration of my lack in trust of them. It gives the signal that I don’t believe they know how to solve their own problems or that there is no room or space to simply express and vent. The receiver may believe they’re being judged, which makes them close themselves instead of connect and have their needs be met in some way through empathy. Giving space for whatever arises in them without immediately giving suggestions on what to do can be a huge relief in itself.
Summary:
- Needing to feel skillful and having an agenda can get in the way of someone meeting their own wisdom. I simply create the conditions for both of us to amplify presence.
- I need to lean into trusting they will be OK without my doing anything but being my unique self.
- Pain has a useful purpose and it’s OK for them to experience it.
- If I am attached to an outcome, I need empathy.
- “I am not responsible.”
- "My presence is enough."
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