There is a dynamic in a friendship that I have in which we would be close, but at some point something would happen that would lead to me feeling unsafe, and I would withdraw or make my availability scarce. The last time this happened, I didn't speak to this person for 7 months. The lack of safety was brought up in me when I had a panic attack as a result of speaking with this person, which scared me because I don't have any history of panic attacks or generalized anxiety disorder. Though it wasn't intentional and the conversation seemed civil, there was something in me that at the time I was not equipped or resourced to handle.
Since then I've begun learning NVC, as well as doing my coaching work where I build my capacity to feel and experience strong emotions. I also developed self-empathy skills to start to identify my feelings and needs more, as well as be able to connect with the living energy of the need - which helps me to have a direct experience of my truth, rather than intellectualizing the feeling or need.
We recently got into contact again and after some candid discussion, I think we have come to a point where we agreed to talk on the phone about any misconceptions we've had and be willing to take it from there to see where this friendship will go, or if it will end decisively.
In myself I did observe thoughts along the lines of, "Frienship shouldn't be difficult, this is hard and I don't even know if it's worth it to continue." It was accompanied by a sensation in my body that I interpret as overwhelm. I notice that this comes from a part of me that is lacking clarity in what I want in friendship, that doesn't know yet that I can have values about what I do and don't want, and can communicate those needs, make requests, and remove myself from the situation when it's no longer suitable.
In the past, I might've tried to ignored it for the stubborn sake of having the friendship while ignoring the needs that were coming up. This resulted in self-betrayal, and a more gut level reaction of fleeing when it became too intense for this part of me. Currently, I am able to meet with those feelings as they arise. I can see the judgment and have space for it to be there, without fully believing in it, but without ignoring it either. I see it as an invitation to fully deepen into my own experience, a beginning to the path toward arriving at what's really important to me (need) and a beautiful notification that I'm receiving this invitation (feeling).
I also notice when the other person makes judgments about what my sharing is implying or asking for when I didn't make that explicit, when they take responsibility for my feelings even when I have said that I am the only one responsible, and also the problems that come up when our minds fill in the blanks of coming to conclusions on why people do or say the things they do. There are a lot of expectations reinforced by social norms that can be so damaging to relationships, even when the two people try their best to have candor.
Connecting with the anxiety (tightness and pain in chest and stomach), there is a fear that I will get into a heavy discussion. When I am in an argument with this person, I sometimes feel cornered to the point that I have to admit I'm wrong in some way. There is a part of me that is resentful that my good intentions are treated with suspicion, and that my attempts to help are made out to be self-serving. And as I feel into it further, there's part of me that's reminded of my demanding mother, which made me out to never be good enough, always lacking in some way. All of my good points were discounted if there was one thing that wasn't perfect. And the level of perfection needed was incapable for me because it meant being only what is pleasing to the other person, and not having freedom to express my authenticity.
So in this situation I fear that my needs for freedom, authenticity, and self-expression won't be met. Neither would my needs for mutual regard and trust. And if these were met, I would be able to fully relax. I could take up space. I could fully feel myself, know myself. And I would still have a sense of connection and belonging.
So moving forward when I next speak to this person, the request I would make to myself is that if there is any point in the conversation when I feel pressure to not express myself authentically, to work with this person to find different strategies to get both my and their needs met. And to recognize that while it's true that only strategies can be in conflict, not needs, that perhaps having friendships or relationships with certain people is also a strategy to get a need met, and in that sense, it may care for the needs of both more if the friendship or relationship dissolves. And finally, that I stay in tune with and true to my needs in the moment, without overriding them to meet the needs of the other.
The next request that I make to myself is, instead of trying to guide the outcome, to simply be open to express myself, and also hear the other person, and take it from there. Just like when we give empathy to others, there is no agenda and only trust that each person already has what they need in a situation. We simply offer presence as it is healing in itself. If I could trust more in this for both myself and the other, then I wonder what the result would be? I imagine that, regardless of the outcome, it would be one that serves the authentic and free expression of life that comes forth through both of us.
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