Yearning as a gateway to the needs within

 I was so angry. I could feel myself wearing my anger as if it were armor while stomping around the house. I felt it protecting my chest, as if it were an energy in front of me and shielding me. I was aware of myself and thought to myself, "I am protected now because I feel too hurt to be open." And I knew that I spent a lot of my life like this - cut off, protected. I knew the anger was covering over pain and sadness. If I stopped a moment to be with this realization, I started to feel the pain bubble up from under the surface. I knew that some self-empathy was in order.

First I celebrated my jackals. What was it that got me so angry that I even slammed my fist on the table? The thoughts raced so fast that I didn't have time to see how I got there. I remembered that when I'm truly connected to my needs, anger doesn't exist. But it does come when I make judgments about other people. I remembered what I said to my husband, "Nobody cares about my own experience and whether I'm uncomfortable except for me. I get ignored because they don't care, they only care about themselves. Even though I let my desire be known, I was ignored." This is what drove me into a rage, and that it kept happening again and again. I knew that the anger was part of a protector, who was always outraged at the lack of care, compassion, emotional attunement, and wanted to keep me from feeling the pain of this and empower me instead. Knowing this, I thanked her and breathed to relax her grip. We knew it was time to put the defense down to process what happened, so that the next time I become reactive, I can calm myself even faster. 

Now that I identified the judgment, I gave myself validation. I told myself, yeah it really hurts to be treated this way. It's so hard to think that people don't care, of course it hurts. Some tears came, but it wasn't enough for me to fully feel into it; something was missing. For some reason I started to think about a friend of mine who I've been giving empathy to lately. I imagined I was sitting with her and she was telling me the things that were painful to her. I noticed that when I stayed silent, she had more words to pour out, and more pain. After listening a while, I started to think of things to say as she had just opened herself and made here vulnerable, to "dress her up" and give her a heart reaction that would help her to not feel alone. 

But then I imagined I was her, and I was hearing me say encouraging things. I felt like I could've said more about my pain (as her), but my own words were getting in the way of fully connecting with myself. What would I (as her) have liked to feel really supported and cared for? A hug would be enough. Simply sitting in silence and holding my hand. And then, what if we're on video call and can't meet in person? Then the best way for me to support her would be to put my hand on my heart and allow myself to be fully touched by her experience as I bring all of my presence to be with her. And I felt myself as her, seeing me with my hand on my heart. I felt that I was feeling true compassion, being both the giver and receiver of it. It took my fantasizing about being compassionate toward others, and receiving that from an imaginary me, in order to actually get to the point where I could deliberately give it to myself; not as a mental exercise, but as a direct felt sense experience. 

Something interesting began to happen. I started to feel a tenderness, an ache, and a melting in my heart. I felt I really had to put my hand there, as I gave myself the care that I wanted. I felt the mourning and yearning for not having it, and remembered that the yearning can be a doorway to access the life force energy with the quality/color/flavor or care that is already inside of me. So then I decided to be fully with it, to allow it to be the doorway. And then, as the pain of yearning intensified, suddenly it was as if I splashed through the surface level and arrived at the quality of care within, the one that is part of my pure essence as a human being. I thought, this is the care that is from God, that is always present, that is what I'm made of, my divine essence. I felt a lot of relief as I sat with my hand on my heart, the ache subsiding, and then I could really cry some tears of relief to access this care that I had been wanting all along. 

After a while, I thought about this need for care. There are some needs that seem like they can't be fulfilled unless it's met by other people, such as community, belonging, care. And maybe the last two can be met just in myself. However community involves other people. I think there's nothing wrong with this. I differentiate this from a strategy in the sense that I am not looking for a specific person to take a specific action in order to get that need met. And at the same time, a need can become a strategy to meet another need. (juicing the need exercise)